3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
