I just threw up on my dentist
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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