The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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