Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
okay pat passed out under dana's car
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
