I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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