Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
