My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
