Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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