I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
