my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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