I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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