i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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