What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
