So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
