What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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