Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize