I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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