this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize