you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
