im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
