I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
