When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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