had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
