The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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