why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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