Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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