I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
