We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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