You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
