Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
