woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
