i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize