good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
