you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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