All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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