I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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