White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
