Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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