only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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