I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
