A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize