I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
