Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We left the knife in your bed.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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