I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
