My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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