I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
