Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
