I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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