we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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