There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
