I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
