The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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