Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
