Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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