Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
