I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize