She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize