Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
two words: eviction party
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
