Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
