I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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