Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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