Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
