did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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