i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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