if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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