I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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