he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
