We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
